I realise that the reason my ‘suicidal trance’ lasted so many years is that I was attached to it! I chose to keep it there! Part of me wanted it......
On some level, I wanted to keep suicide as a back door, a control, a way out of a hopeless situation. I’m fairly sure I’ve committed suicide in a past life because the suicide pattern was evident in my life from a very small child (I brought it in with me, either from another life, or from ancestors, which is the same difference anyway, beliefs about reincarnation aren’t necessary to understand this).
Today, my experience (of being here) is qualitively different – I can hear the birds and feel the texture of the air and see the sky – directly. I can feel my hands and feet......the sense of ‘waiting’ for..... something to happen or..... come to me has gone. That old sense of waiting for godot (something or someone to liberate me). The missing piece of the jig zaw puzzle is not outside myself.
It’s like the filters of my perceptions have been cleaned/cleared. Or like the scum has been skimmed of the pond of my perceptual world. Or, my ‘perceiving engine’ has had a tune up (new plugs and points)! I used to feel separated from everything, wrapped up in a continuous, grey and impenetrable self perpetuating cloud murk – removed. Unable to be touched, affected. And paradoxically, everything that ‘touched’ me caused me more pain (because the pattern was immediately activated).
In the old stuckness, every ‘new’ experience, or possibility, was pulled in to serve the pattern, so disappointment/betrayal/abandonment were just round the corner and I was unable to experience anything except a re-run of the pattern......round and round......until the suicidal trance would kick in as a response to despair.......
This change is what I hoped for when I went to Abadiania: some relief from what I had come to know as ‘myself’. (A pain pattern repeating itself through attachment to the desire to escape through suicide).
I had no idea the relief would come through an intensification of the pattern and an escalation of the pain - until I would beg for the desire to kill myself to be removed (I was able to beg like this because I had enough experience of the power of the Entitites to believe that they could do this). I had faith in them.
And even then, at times, I thought they were trying to kill me (I really did think that at one stage, that’s how attached I was, I tried to make the Entitites part of the pattern). Holy shit!
And although I was stuck, part of me knew that the tortured part was not my ‘self’ – it was a paralysis which meant everything that happened (to all the parts) became a repeat of the old script/pattern. I knew there was no point going anywhere or doing anything – It would be the same. Nothing flowed. One thing did not lead to another. Despair. Suicide seemed the only way to end the pain......
I couldn’t be with other people and I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t live with love and I couldn’t live without it.
All I could do was work.
And now? Dunno it’s too soon and fresh......I feel connected to something universal (is all I could say today). And that’s for the first time........and it’s simple and ordinary, ‘nothing special’ as Joko would say.......
Peter, I didn’t know I was choosing this pattern (unconscious choice). What I do realise is that whenever the pattern kicked in there was a sense of inevitability of ‘no more choices’ – I felt taken over by another force, no longer conscious.
And my respect and love for you in being able to walk with that all these years (without becoming contaminated by it is infinite).
When I told the Entities that I would not commit suicide under any circumstances (unless old/sick/a drain on resources as pragmatic euthanasia) and asked them to take away the trance – then this is what has happened. They took it away. How could they take that away if I was holding on to it). Holy shit.....